Healing, I think...

Wow, what a difference two weeks makes... But not really.

Basically what I forgot to update about was the specialist deciding that he could not tell whether or not my foot was broken, but that "something clinically significant" had happened to it. It was black and painful, too painful to even stand on until Saturday. But, with my CP and other issues, no one knew how to read the Xray!

So I spent the last 2 weeks in a cast and went back to the specialist again- Still a lot of pain, still swelling, still from a clinical exam they could tell me where the fracture *should* be... but it wasn't there.

So, they took me out of the cast to let me have a bit more freedom of movement, told me to let pain be my guide, and referred me on to yet another specialist in Feburary.

Otherwise, though, things are going well here. Mackers saw the vet for the second time on Saturday, he has doubled his adoption weight (0.8- 1.6 kilograms) had his second booster and tested negative for the feline leukemia virus!

I wasn't able to get out to get his pictures done with Santa as they were being done for pets the weekend I fell, so here's our best attempt

Happy Holidays from Ashley, Lady, and Mackers!!

Basic Equations

I am entirely certain that this is something all of you already understand, but here goes.

I finally think I "get" what it is that happens to those of us with multiple issues when *one* little thing goes wrong, whether it's an hour ahead or back in Daylight Savings/Daylight time, or in my case....

A broken foot on top of CP.

The fabulous Ms. Tiruba Tuba, who you all know very well, has a habit of saying CP is a Pain In The A... I usually agree, now I *more* than agree!

I've gone from "not walking so great" to "now I can't walk at all," and the pain has thrown my anxiety for loo loo loop!

Anything chronic + anything new= PITA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, Everyone, my name is Mackers

Mommy A says I am very handsome.

I just came from the Humane Society today.

I did not like the car ride very much, and cried the whole way home in my new carrier. Once we were out of the scary car, though, and Mommy L put my litter pan down I was in the mood to explore!

Apparently I am not allowed behind the TV- "Electricity land" says Mommy L.

I am not allowed behind the refrigerator, either.

I *am* allowed on laps and I like to explore the different parts of my new home. I do not like the fan in the upstairs bathroom. I do like treats- They come from a special bag which I tried to put on my head. It scared me and I ran away to hide under Mommy A's rocking chair. She likes a blanket on her lap a lot, and it makes a nice tent for me.

I think I like these mommies- They sing silly songs. Mommy A sang something about a "Gotcha Day."

Maybe I'll post more often, but my blanket looks cozy, so that's enough for one day. After all, I'm only 9 weeks old!

MACBETH IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Triple A- Awards, Afebrile, and Adoption

First of all, can anyone tell me how you get your awards on your sidebar? I finally have time to pick mine up, but I want them to look *reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy* nice, like the ones you have.

Second of all, the H1N1 bug seems to be heading off quite nicely- All that's left is a tickling cough and general malaise, so I'll take that over fevers and body aches severe enough to make me cry, a cough that bounced me so much I usually got *air* between myself and the mattress and congestion.

I'm feeling down, but that's no surprise with the parents' divorce clicking merrily away and all the excitement of moving dying down. Don't get me wrong- Living here is really nice. I have the chance to set accessibility up the way I want it, Lady and I cook the foods we want, that kind of thing. But it's something I was looking forward to for quite some time, it didn't go at all the way I expected, and now it's done. So am feeling a bit let down.

Which brings me to the third A in my title- Adoption. No, not of a kiddo, though I'd love to do that someday. Right now we're waiting on approval to adopt a little black kitten from the local Humane Society. If we can't, I'm sure he'll go to a great home, but I'm hoping to get him into *my* home and change his name from "Pop" to "MacBeth"- Mackers for short.

Good kitty vibes are appreciated.

All Moved In

So I'm feeling much better, physically anyway. There's just a cough remaining from that nasty H1N1.

I went by my parents' house today, to get a few things.

My parents are considering divorce.

This is terrible

Okay...so...

Moved into the new apartment Friday.

Family stuff is still not bloggable- I'm sure I'll need to write through this eventually, and I know you'll all be there to listen when I do.

Right now, we're settling in here okay, although a nasty case of H1N1 (yup, been tested 'cause I'm high risk) moved in right along with us, and necessitated an ambulance ride at midnight on Monday. I got checked out and all is as okay as it's going to be.

Still reading along with all of you as I go through tissues like it's going out of style.

I have some awards to pick up and bestow... I haven't forgotten.

My Mom's behaviour has truly deteriorated. It's not bloggable... I don't want to relive all of it.

Holding on, holding in, trying to keep breathing

Too True Tuesday- The SHOES!

I was so excited that I would have something for this week's Too True Tuesday! In fact, the moment I told Lady the topic she said "You have to write about the shoes!"

Above, you see one of The Shoes- Black leather, zipper in the side, Dr. Scholl's insole I think this is the right shoe. It's on my pillow for its modeling debut. This is a comfortable shoe, albeit *very* plain.

I kid you not, I have had more than half a dozen pairs of these *identical* shoes bought for me by an Aunt I shall call T.

T and I were very close as I was growing up- She was my Other Mother. But I think in her mind I never got any older than 12. Anyway, she still does quite a bit for me.... But for a while we almost had a falling out because of The Shoes.

I was 18. Starting University. And T bought me Pair 1 of the shoes. Yay. They weren't for any special occasion other than the start of school. And I liked them.

Then I got an identical pair 3 months later for Christmas. Okay... Thanks T

Then I got a pair for my birthday, 6 weeks after Christmas....

Then I got a pair for starting my second year of University... I could now *interchange* these shoes.

I said to T. "I really appreciate the shoes, but I have enough pairs now, thank you!"

I got a movie for Christmas....

And then? For my birthday? You guessed it. Shoes.

THOSE I returned to the Mart of Walls.


(The pair featured here is the *newest* pair, given to me in July by, you guessed it, T. But at least they weren't for any occasion!)

Doing my bit

Family Needed

Leave your judement at the door...

Wishing for peace

A Soft Landing

So my room is still clean and the trauma is settling. Communication lines, blasted open by my abrupt departure, have stayed open. It's not perfect- but we're trying.

3 weeks til I get the keys- HUGE!!!

Mom is panicking about every 3 days, my stepdad calmly asks her "Aren't you proud of Ashley? This is a big step." I truly believe that we'll get there.

Any tips from you lovely folks about independent living? What do you wish you'd known when you moved out?

Dia- I really enjoyed the book that Tortuga did his report on when I was younger. When I was Corazon's age, I read Anne of Green Gables and Emily of New Moon. She might like them, the language is really rich.

Think that's all I have to say right now. Still reading all of you, every day.

Mom's clean when they're stressed? I seriously did not know this

So....

When I came home from my week at my friend's, I found my room spotless, bed made with love. My Mom did it.

I can only think of a few times since age 16 when my Mom has made my bed.... Usually after my surgeries when I'm too sick to think much about it.

In a way, I hate the way I did things last week- Just taking off like that. But I couldn't think of any other way, and it's all working out.... I hate that I hurt her, but hopefully with some space some healing can take place.

Security deposit paid on the apartment. They can't take it away now :)

Am still blocked on the Sensory Integration post ideas. Does anyone have any questions I could use as jump off points?

Also... I know this is a sensitive issue but I thought I might ask....

You all have such great advice...

I recently recieved confirmation that sexual abuse I remembered in my childhood did happen. I don't want to press charges- I don't even know what the statute of limitations would be, and I don't *want* to know...

But I've been on overdrive. Rapid heartbeat for days, sensory integration things so bad I can't brush my teeth (I *wish* I could....)

Mom desperately wants me to be able to forget about it... "Put it in a box" she said....

I don't think I can without....someting.

So first, an apology

My life exploded last week.

Linda B, if you still want that info, please let me know

Basically, things with my Mom came to a head but I actually went to the social workers this time. After finally telling them everything, the good and the bad (because WOW have I made some mistakes) they were more than happy to help me on the path to independent living.

So, Lady and I will be moving into our own apartment on November 1! (Unless they have to put down new carpet, which I kind of hope they don't because then I can't have a cat)

Also, I think with some distance (I've been sleeping on a friends' floor) my Mom has done some thinking. From telling me I can't have any of my belongings (including my cheques) she's gone to "I understand; Come home, we'll go shopping for towels."

Coming up next.... Sensory Integration post

My Take On Sensory Integration Disorder?

Hi all of you out in bloggyland!

I've been trying to think of something interesting to post lately, and then I realised that most of you with special-needs kids deal with sensory integration issues. Does anyone want to hear my take on my sensory stuff? Would a description help? Any questions you'd love to ask your kids but that they have trouble articulating that I might be able to shed some light on?

Well, at least It's Bloggable!

So I'm sitting back and enjoying my vacation and waiting for your thoughtful questions to roll in- but no pressure :)

A situation occured tonight though, and its only redeeming feature was that it was blog fodder.

After Callie, our lovely hostess, and her partner Candace (synonyms to to preserve their identities as secret agents) recommended a local pub pretty highly, that's where the four of us (Lady, the C's and I) decided to eat for dinner.

Big mistake.

Not only had the menu changed (portions shrank, food that had not been spicy was spicy) but the waitress either had some problem with same-sex couples, or brunettes in wheelchairs. I'm thinking it may have been the latter, as neither Lady and I nor the C's were playing tonsil hockey or had flashing rainbows over our heads.

She was rude and abrupt from the moment we sat down.

"How're you splitting the bills?"

"Whaddaya want to eat?"

"Whaddaya want me to do?"

We were trying to be charitable about it though. Maybe she didn't want to work today. Maybe she's got big stuff going on at home. Maybe her shoes are too tight.

Until we decided to watch her interactions with the other 3 tables in her section. I wish I was joking when I said that the 2 seated before us and the 1 seated after us were treated to spectacular service. She laughed and joked, made recommendations on the new menu (all of our attempts to engage her were met with icy stares) and provided prompt attention.

Eventually, between the blatant...whatever she was doing, and the subpar food we asked to have our most-offending dishes removed from our bills (drinks and appetizers were great; we paid for those) This she did with more rudeness... Then we called a manager over and calmly detailed the lack of service. His eyes just got bigger and bigger as we talked about things she had said or things she had failed to do (Like handing Candace her dinner plate and walking away, leaving the empty appetizer dish on the table and her nowhere to lay her hot food!)

Callie said that she had been a regular customer and that she would never have expected such poor service.

The manager was appropriately apologetic and discounted our amended bills, but Waitress-zilla's death glares followed us out. Left me wondering- Something I said? No. More like something I am...

Positive vacation post tomorrow- I promise!

Updating before Vacation!

So I'm off on vacation in about 12 hours, spending some time with some good friends in another province before school starts on September 9.

Am back on my meds- day 4- and feeling a bit like I'm back in my own head.

I also blog to provide another perspective, so... Any questions? Anything you all would particularly *like* my perspective on? Let me know!

Oh! And just so my cup will runneth over with joy today...

FAERIE MAMA'S back!

Tired

I can't tell you all how many times a day I check my Blogger and Wordpress blogs and mean to update...

It just never seems to quite work out that way.

Work is going really well, school is sorted out as much as it can be for now, Lady and I are rapidly approaching our 4th Anniversary.

I'm also really tired. I'm off my medication for the summer (Insurance, not my choice) And some pretty big stuff has gone down with the family... I get to start meds next week though, and I'm still happily reading and following along with all of you.

Ashley

Too True Tuesday!

I'm so excited to be participating in my first Too True Tuesday!

Well, here goes... the thing that is not necessarily bad about me, but is strange but true.

I didn't eat any meat of any sort until I was 17 due to a lot of anxiety/sensory things... but this isn't the embarrassing part- The embarrassing part is that now that I *will* eat meat, I'm catching up on the McDonald's Happy Meals I missed as a kid... and these I just discovered this summer!

I know! I know! McDonald's is horrible for you, and chicken nuggets are made of meat slurry and all the rest... but there's a little box... and a toy... and it's *just* the right size for a lunch or snack....

So yes- that's me- too true. University student, newly-made Happy Meal consumer...

Hey everybody... Come meet my *other* friend Lisa :)

First of all- A recent picture. Lady and myself alll dolled up for a wedding. I'm the one in the curls ;)

Second of all- an introduction :)


As grateful as I am to have our fabulous Lisa in my life, I want to introduce you all to my other, knows me in real life Lisa, over at Diary of a Mad Comedienne. She's a fantastic Mom to some wonderful kiddos and an amazing voice for social justice.

But more importantly, she's *funny!* Lisa has a gift for comedy and has recently made her big break. Her humour is occasionally adult, but she's delighted to meet my Bloggy friends and would love to take a crack at adding a little humour to your days.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell that I'm excited? This is day 2....count 'em, T-W-O of me being out of pain. That makes a happy Rolladyke! And a happy Rolladyke tends to post on her blog!

I have PT/Massage on Monday to see if we can get this pain *kept* down this time. Am trying to remind myself that it won't be like when I was little; No big gym with kids all around it on mats working with their individual PTs, no "punishments" when I screamed or cried from the pain... Sometimes the things that get done to kiddos with physical disabilities are downright scary! Necessary, probably... but scary.

(I don't mean to castigate any of the Awesome Moms who read here who have to take their kiddos to PT and make them do therapies. I just had a particulary rough time. I'll elaborate in another post)

I wanted to post a thought I had.... but right now I think I'll just use this post to celebrate being out of pain!

YIPPEE


Light, love, and energy (because I have it to spare now)

Ashley

I'm still here...

Still working away at filing

Still hurting like the dickens- This is now week 3 of the most *monster* flare I have ever had. Have alerted the docs, but there's not a whole lot they can do other than play around with my med dosing, which, I will confess to you, I had been doing already. The benefits and drawbacks of having done this before!

I have a wedding to attend on July 24, and will post pictures of Lady and myself in our finery....

Am at home again, but things, for the moment, appear to be going smoothly....

PS: To the Hoover Mom: It's coming along nicely :) And to a mailbox near you within the next...week? I hope?

Back on the Grid

Took Rolladyke Rambles down for a few days- don't know why, just decided to.

Have still been reading along and commenting with all of you- You're an amazing bunch of folks!!

Summer is in full swing here- Temperatures in the mid to high 20s Celcius. Unfortunately, I'm actually *still* in a lot of pain, and it's getting worse.

Have an appointment on the 16 to see what we can see...

Wishing all of you happy, peaceful summer days

Ashley

I didn't realise it had been so long....

I've started a summer job, Lady secured her first office job. My education funding is secure, and I'll be seeking counselling in the fall as well as tutoring. I do so dearly want to graduate.

I'm having a really bad pain flare which has lasted since Monday, June 22, and there's no end in sight. Lots of medicine. Just like work is lots of filing.

But things are brighter

Okay...

So I tried to spend the week at home, and I just couldn't do it. Trooped back to Lady's bag and baggage- I sleep better here.

Am slowly beginning to sort out the mess and misery of school- I can do this. E-mailed an Aunt who told me I have handled so many things in my life with grace, courage and intelligence that it is understandable that I should stumble now and then.

Got some really good news today- I have been selected for the Summer position I interviewed for. I will be working in a provincial government department through a program that employs students with disabilities.

I miss my usual summer activity of the National Youth Exchange, but it's not going ahead this year. No funding.

I'm reading and smiling along with so many of you. Thank you all for being here for me.

After the lovely mention...

from the invaluable Ms. Tuba, I thought I should update.

I am hanging in.

Friday was terrible. 4 hour crying jag, depersonalization, Lady getting angry with my Mom and me being out of A*tivan all made for the perfect storm of misery.

Surprisingly, Saturday dawned better. 12 hours of sleep which I desperately needed, safe in Lady's guestroom with her on 300 threadcount sheets. Sometimes all you need is a cuddle.

Spent some time with My and Ma (blog pseudonyms, okay? Okay) My is someone with whom I share a very special bond- He's 34 and doing an amazing job of living with CF, which is not a nice disease. His wife Ma is a young soul and has a great appreciation for all things from the Mickey Mouse Empire. Lady came too, we played some silly games on the Wii and I had a another long sleep on someone's guestbed. Why does everybody have nicer sheets than me?

Am at home now. Trying to store energy for the week ahead.

Thank you for all being here with and for me.

Cheers

Ashley

Crushed- If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please

If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please.

I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

Things are bad right now- so bad it's hard to breathe.

I failed school in the winter term. I haven't been kicked out, and I do have a social worker who decides whether or not I get to keep my educational funding, so I might have been able to work something out there.

But my Mom has found out.

I failed school last winter too, and there was screaming and sobbing and accusations, and I thought about just walking off the edge of a cliff somewhere because it seemed like things would never get better.

They did. Slowly, with lots of setbacks along the way.

I really pulled it together in the Fall, passed 5 courses for the first time since 2006, and then crashed again this winter.

I could list the reasons why, and the reasons why I lied, but I could never tell my Mom- We just don't work like that. So all she's had to say is that I'm selfish, only think of my own interests, and that I have to tell my grandmother and my aunt, and my stepfather that I failed. She also told me that she bet I didn't get up in front of all the people at the hotel last week and tell *them* I failed- Well, no, I didn't. Why would I? It wasn't relevant to my presentation topic- I had to be professional, didn't I?

I don't feel like my mail should have been opened (the only way she found out) I don't feel like I should be made to "confess."

Last week was okay, I was house sitting. I went home for one lousy night (Sunday) and caught hell in the morning (Monday.)

I felt like I needed a break, desperately, so I e-mailed my mother and told her I wouldn't be home, I had some thinking to do, but I was safe. I went to Lady's. There's been no communication between us since. I'm afraid to, and she hasn't reached out. Not even to yell at me and insist that I come home.

Lady's Mom is beginning to get a bit surprised/fed up with my being there so much. Lady hasn't told her what's going on, because sometimes they're not the most understanding people. I can't blame her for that- I very *rarely* tell my parents what's going on. Even that I'm hungry.

I'm facing having to go home in about an hour, and my chest is so tight.

I had my first suicidal ideations 10 years ago. They've never gone away. I'm having them now, even though I won't act on them. I'm just wondering how I could do things so I could get the services I need, not hurt my body too much, and not upset the people I love too much.

The part of me that's a peer counselor knows how very, very bad that is, but the part of me that's sad and frightened and angry wonders why I don't just do it- Just enough to show them all the kind of pain I'm living with.

I won't. I'm likely too much of a coward too change the status quo like that. Or too sensible.

I'm stuck- and I can't get out. Hell, I can't even breathe.

I just had to share

I got my first Standing Ovation today!!!

Had another presentation, similar to the keynote address a few posts back, and all of a sudden folks were on their feet!

On Normals... Again Or why I'm boycotting The Orphan

Ranting ahead.

I am tired. I am absolutely sick and tired. I am absolutely sick and tired of anyone "different" having to be a villian, a hero, an inspiration, or a "There but for the Grace of G-d go I"

I am a lesbian; I do not wear flannel. I do want children. I do not hate men.

I am a woman; I do not wear high heels, I do not wear makeup.

I have Cerebral Palsy; I am not a hero. I am not a caution against premature birth. I am a person getting through every day. Just like you.

--

What sparked all this? Well, the lovely Chatelaine of Tubaville joined a cause, you see, to boycott a movie. Ms. Tuba isn't hysterical, so I checked it out.

Turns out, Warner Bros' new flick entitled "Orphan" was the one on the boycott block. And I can absolutely see why.

"There's something wrong with Esther" one tagline reads. And who is Esther? For the majority of the movie she's an older adoptee- in some clips she even appears to exhibit Radish behaviours. Raging, triangulation. Lather, rinse repeat, you all know this story better than me.

But instead of an eye opening flick like Martian Child (see this! if you haven't, see this NOW) "Orphan" degenerates into a slasher film. With a 9 year old villian who's spent time in hospital for behaviours

This isn't okay by me.

I posted the link to my f a c e b o o k page, and immediately got responses. But not the responses I'd hoped. I was told "But they changed the tagline."

Yeah. From "I don't think Mommy likes me very much; it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own" to just "I don't think Mommy likes me very much." Grrrrrrrreat change there, Warner. Or "There's something wrong with Esther." Even better- SO politically aware. There's something wrong with kiddos available for adoption now, ESPECIALLY traumatized ones.

I was also told "People don't go to horror films for info." No, maybe not, but NO ONE is going to convince me, ever, that people don't get info from the media. Absorbing it without even realising it, sometimes.

And my personal favourite?

"Oh, doesn't matter- She isn't even a kid in the end, she's some kinda demon thing."

Demon?

DEMON?

This makes it *okay?!*

--

Not by me. And it's getting less and less okay as time goes on.

Back at School

Hey all

I'm back doing the Intercession at uni. Elementary German and 20th C. Popular Music.

I'm pleased with both- My German professor was a kindergarten teacher and so doesn't expect perfection, and my Music prof? What can I say. He's a grad student who wears great hats to class and comes up with brilliant accomodations for me- on his *own*- without seeming the least bit awkward or nervous.

Example- We have a playlist of 60+ songs that we need to listen to for the course. Everything from Mamie Smith to Bob Dylan to Frank Sinatra. Of course, going to the library and downloading all of these from a data CD would be possible, but the Music library isn't the most accessible. So, while I was puzzling out how I would manage it, Grad Prof suddenly grins, points to the bag on the back of my chair.

"Is that a laptop?"

"Yes, it is."

"Bring it next class and I'll bring you a jump drive, you can just pull the songs off that and give it back to me."

I show up for class today, and lo and behold, he's *remembered* the jump drive!!

I have high hopes for the next 6 weeks.

Light, love, and energy to you all.

Ashley

PS: Daily Funny

While waiting to go to class today, I saw two professors heading down the hall, conversing.

Prof 1 I'll just use the proleteriat bathroom

Prof 2 Are you sure? I really can let you in...

Prof 1 No no, I should suffer for my forgetfullness

Not Okay, Not Okay, NOT OKAY

Not me- I'm coping.

I'm also furious.

I have, until recently, *really* enjoyed Dan Savage's column, podcast, and books. I've *bought* Dan's books, for heaven's sake.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=1487886

And now this.

Can't handle it. I've listened to the podcasts in which he uses words like that, and I've always let it go as heat of the moment, doesn't know any better.

But another reader did what I didn't- Stepped forward, tried to educate, and was instead, mocked.

I can't support that anymore. I can't excuse that anymore. Maybe I should never have done.

I'm sorry I ever recommended him to anyone, I'm sorry I ever read his books, bought his books, listened to his podcast.

This is his fanpage on Facebook where I intend to voice my displeasure and then leave.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/DanSavage?ref=ts

This is NOT okay. Not by me.

*taptaptap*

Even though I feel so afraid and stupid right now, I'm still a really great gal...

Even though I feel so afraid and stupid right now, there will be brighter days ahead

Even though school isn't going so well right now, I have lots of other things to contribute to the world...


Oooooooh boy, I try not to post on Blogger unless I have something positive to say or funny to share. I don't. I'm done in...

Good choices?

Have been compliant on my new meds for over 2 weeks now- This is absolutely new for me... and as I do not like change, I'm having a little bit of difficulty with it. Weekends are probably most difficult, and I sulk once the purple thing is in my system... but at least it gets there.

Am getting ready for exams and break and gainful employment and for the parents (please God) to find a good deal on a Southern vacation and GO there...!

Anyway, just a brief update

Light, love and energy

Ashley

I got gnawed on by Torina's troll...

So just in case any of my real internet connections doubt the truth of my moderate claims at disability expertise, the following is a link to the first page of Google results which pop up from a search of my real name

Trolls inspire anxiety and hatred, and should be ashamed of themselves

Google

Keynote Address

It went well! I'm hoping that the rules of Open Space Technology I was trained in 2 years ago held true and that the people who were meant to be there were there, and that I started and ended at the right time.

The text is linked below, even though Google should be doing this a little more easily for me, for those of you who might be interested in reading. The statistics cited (though there are only a few) are Canadian numbers- I don't know what the American or North American numbers are.

Keynote

A Busy Week Ahead

Wow, it's shaping up to be quite a week. Thank God for some new meds (Well*butrin) which are helping me. Wish I had tried this particular drug family years ago! S-S-R-Is make me feel like my brain is jumping out of the top of my skull and make me sleep 16 hours per day- These don't!

Why is it shaping up to be quite a week? Well, I have a keynote address to give tonight for a project called All Abillities Welcome, and then on Thursday I'm off to Ottawa for a Strategic Planning meeting with the Active Living Alliance... And let's not forget that I'm still at university, too!

I want to leave you all with a final thought- Some of you will know immediately what I'm referring to when I say this.

The "disability community" and by this I mean all atypical folks, all folks who parent atypical folks, and all folks who work with and for atypical folks, has enough to deal with. Having an attack from what should be an ally or at least a silent visitor shakes all of us to the core and detracts from the progress we're trying to make.

I learned something from a video when I was little that maybe some "grown ups" need to go back and revisit. "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

Seatbelts

And this is why I will uncomplainingly wear a seatbelt for the rest of my life. It stopped me from getting up close and personal with the dash/windshield when I was rear-ended today

Climbing

Sorry to have worried you all...

I cannot eat an elephant all at once, but I have taken some small bites today and will hope to take some more soon.

And there is still music in the world.

I'm grateful for that, and for all of you.

Crash

Sick

Struggling

Scared.

Still here.

I read everyday

Vacation

Hello, Blogger Friends!

After making it out two hours late on Thursday, reaching my desination city and then *turning around* due to ice on the runway, Lady and I reached our hotel Friday afternoon, after flying first class!

Major kudos to Edwina the Air Cannda agent for calling me personally with my upgraded reservation!

Am resting and recharging for a few days, but couldn't resist sharing a few pictures with you.

My awesome accessible room where I diligently sit blogging on my (free!) Internet connection


My Accessible Bathroom


And my Build a Bear- Complete with Wheelchair, because I'm *really* just a kid.

Gawain the Build-A-Bear is really making me consider writing a children's book though

Birthday Blogging- Or, why I am not a RADish

(This is not meant to put any blame on the radicals I love so much- Just something I was thinking on)

So, today is my birthday and I am 23- and I asked myself why I have been able to make it so far, when, if you look at my life on paper, it looks like I should have some pretty big issues.

My Mom got pregnant when she was 16 and gave birth to me 10 weeks early. For the first two weeks of my life, no one could touch me, and they even told my Mom "Don't get attached to this baby." Even when I could be touched, I was fed by ng tube for another 6 weeks, as my sucking reflex was "broken"

I spent the first year of my life shrieking in pain from muscle spasms no one knew I was having, while my entire family took me from specialist to specialist trying to figure out why I cried so much, why I couldn't sit up or hold my head up, why I didn't use my left hand, why I hated being swaddled.

It's hard to love a kid like that- Pain cries especially.

But I put the blame of loving me on two people- My Mom and her mother, my Nan.

Nan was the first person to hold me. She had 10 children already, and simply took me on as #11, cutting my mother's fingernails in the caseroom so that she wouldn't scratch me with her long 80s inspired talons. She also learned how to drop the feeding tube down my nose like a pro so she could do my noon feeding when Mom went back to school, and there was *never* any talk about not taking me home once I got out of the NICU.

Mom is another story, the sheer weight of which didn't hit me until I was 16. See, my Mom made some big mistakes... So my whole life I had wondered what it would be like if I had a Mom in her 30s or 40s like my friends had... someone who wasn't taking classes or still having "girls nights out".

And then I had a pregnancy scare- REALLY only me sitting close to a boy and being very naive- and spent the worst 3 days of my life hoping my cycle would come, and scared out of my mind that it wouldn't. It came, of course. Sperm can not jump through 4 layers of clothes and across distances!

But, when it was all over and I sobbed to my Mom over the phone (I had taken refuge at Nan's just in case) "How did you EVER have a baby? Weren't you scared!! Someone must have made you!!"

She answered,

"I wanted you. From the minute I knew you were there."

Me

I put a photo up, and my 23rd birthday is in 9 days- exciting stuff!

Advice, Please?

I know a young couple. S and C. C went to highschool with me, and S went to highschool with Lady. But it really wasn't until S and C married 5 years ago that we all became close.

They have now seperated. C remains in a major city for her job. S is at home with his family.

I am shocked and heartbroken. I love them both and wish the best for them both....

Any words of wisdom?

A New Week, Some Energy, and Some News

Welcome to my Monday. I got my shot Friday afternoon, so by Friday evening I was full of weird, almost dysregulated energy- Thank Goodness that Lady is unendingly patient and just providing me with things I could do. Maybe my RAD tendancies are showing?

I'm kidding.

I'll be travelling Feb 20-23ish, for a meeting and a break. Wish I could share my break with all my blogging friends.

Also- P. 56 in the nearest book to me is Cris Beams Transparent and the 5th sentence reads

"Dominique, for instance, had Julianna, who, if she had been born an insect would have been born a firefly."

Books about Radishes for Radishes?

Do they exist?

The reason I ask (and I'm not talking straight biography here, I'm talking fictional books) is that there were very few books about kids with CP when I was small. In fact, now that I think about it, there are still not that many.

But one I was very happy to find was Mine for Keeps by Jean Little. It was, however, written in 1962, so not the most relevant for a little girl living with CP 30 years later- but there were some pieces.

Of course, as I got older I've really begun to see and critique the flaws in Little's book. She didn't have CP, she didn't live CP, she only taught some children who did- So Sal's life reads a little like "I did this. And then I did this. And then I did this." Like an observer.

The author does live with vision loss, knows it intimately, and this shines through in another of her books- From Anna. Published in 1973, Anna is a young girl living with vision loss, and her story although told in the same, simple appropriate language for the age group, rings much more...true, I suppose. Anna just doesn't go to school with her glasses- She *IS* at school with her glasses.

This got me thinking about Radishes. Are there similar books? Would Radishes who are in recovery find comfort in a book about a boy or girl with an Awesome Mom and an AT and weighted vests?

Hoping this post is making a little sense- I'm going to hit publish anyway

Forcing Self To Blog

I am still here.

I read every day and laugh and shudder along with so many of you....

Quite tired- Am hoping to see Doc this week for a B12 injection that will at least make me think I'm feeling better.

A.

Constant Advocacy

I'm back at school now, and have been back for about a week. Am tired already. Am tired of advocating for myself- sending e-mails to make sure my classrooms are accessible, making sure I can use my laptop in class, making sure the elevators are working...

Oh, elevators. There is one which controls my access to two of the buildings in which I have class- It's been working on and off since I started school on Jan. 8, and today was an off day. And I realised, as a first year student with a disability, sobbed on my shoulder about how not fair it was that the elevator was broken, that I just wasn't there anymore. I've been at uni for 10 tems now. Elevators have broken before my career at uni, will break after my career at uni. I will just sit back and wait for them to fix it. I don't care about how 'fair' or not it is anymore.

There are really days I feel tired of fighting.

And then I read a post like J's
And I think that if that little dynamo can be so courageous- I just might have one more letter or signature in me.

Ramblings Just Before School Starts

So I'm back to school 5 days a week as of tomorrow. I love the start of a semester- the rush and energy of starting new courses. It's only about 6-7 weeks in that I get bogged down with pain and stress and fear and procrastination and depression and all that fun stuff. Any suggestions for tapping or rubbing around that, folks? Or other tips?

Lady's coming back too, as my PCA everday and my classmate in one course.

Sister Lizzie has been back in school since Monday- I don't think she's impressed, but then again what DOES make you impressed when you're 15?

I'm also considering a job as a respite provider for a family friend- Emotional respite as opposed to physical care which is what I get myself. It's a testament to the wide array of abilities of the non-normal that we can have and give services that are similar!

Well, I'm off to pack my bookbag

Light, Love and Energy

Ashley

On McGuyvering

I am emotionally and physically atypical. I carry pain meds and 'rescue' anxiety meds with me almost everywhere, though I use the latter very sparingly. However, I can manage in the *strangest* situations- where the average 'normal' would fear to tread.

I call this McGuyvering.

Down to the wire, faced with miles of red tape and governmental ins and outs? I got it.

24 hours notice to do a speech in front of 100+ people? I got it.

Asking for help in a store? I so don't got it.

Pain, too is subject to these weird abilities to manage or work someting out.

Tattoo? No problem

7 Major surgeries and counting? Hurts, but gotta do it.

Dentist? Only if my blankie is coming too.

But the funniest bit of my McGuyvering absolutely has to be when it goes wrong. Some things physical I cannot do- such as get on my new and very cute Emu brand boots. However, I can walk down the stairs with a load of laundry, a cellphone, and a butterfly cane. My computer is also my attachment to the world, so I'm very resourceful when it comes to Her Ladyship (It's even her name on the network, okay?)

So I lose a key on Her Ladyship's keyboard- my V key, if anyone is curious. Normally, these snap right back on. but V does not seem to be doing it. Nothing daunted, I pop off another key, my M key for those of you playing along at home. It looks the same, and also refuses to snap back into its happy little spot.

Next, off comes the Y key- Aha! There is a little plastic assembly that holds the key in place, henceforth known as Circle Thing and Rectangle Thing. Rectangle Thing is still attached to the keyboard itself. Circle Thing? Well, it's somewhere on my bed. I find Circle Thing, replace my Y key and pop off every writer's favourite; our friend semicolon. Semicolon is a wonderfully co-operative little key and shows me exactly how Rectangle Thing and Circle Thing are supposed to nestle inside of each other so the key can come home.

With spastic fingers, but a few deep breaths, I set out to reunite Rectangle Thing, Circle Thing, and my V key and M key. I've almost got it when....

Crunch.

One of the little, teeny tiny ridges that holds ON to Rectangle Thing, perhaps feeling ignored, snaps off. I lay aside my keys and sigh- This is a job for the happy people at Dell it seems.

However, beloved Lady still assures me that the reason I am the ABSOLUTE McGuyver is that I can type with very little interruption and use the little "keyboard nubbies."

The REAL Ramblings of Rolladyke

So I've got some posts brewing, Awesome followers- Feel free to read all or none of them, comment as many times as you like or not at all.

Hopefully these will give you some insights into me and perhaps some of your own little 'non-normals' or maybe they'll just make you wonder what that gal down in Newfoundland is talking about.

Either way, I hope we both have some fun.

Light, love and energy

Ashley