If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please.
I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.
Things are bad right now- so bad it's hard to breathe.
I failed school in the winter term. I haven't been kicked out, and I do have a social worker who decides whether or not I get to keep my educational funding, so I might have been able to work something out there.
But my Mom has found out.
I failed school last winter too, and there was screaming and sobbing and accusations, and I thought about just walking off the edge of a cliff somewhere because it seemed like things would never get better.
They did. Slowly, with lots of setbacks along the way.
I really pulled it together in the Fall, passed 5 courses for the first time since 2006, and then crashed again this winter.
I could list the reasons why, and the reasons why I lied, but I could never tell my Mom- We just don't work like that. So all she's had to say is that I'm selfish, only think of my own interests, and that I have to tell my grandmother and my aunt, and my stepfather that I failed. She also told me that she bet I didn't get up in front of all the people at the hotel last week and tell *them* I failed- Well, no, I didn't. Why would I? It wasn't relevant to my presentation topic- I had to be professional, didn't I?
I don't feel like my mail should have been opened (the only way she found out) I don't feel like I should be made to "confess."
Last week was okay, I was house sitting. I went home for one lousy night (Sunday) and caught hell in the morning (Monday.)
I felt like I needed a break, desperately, so I e-mailed my mother and told her I wouldn't be home, I had some thinking to do, but I was safe. I went to Lady's. There's been no communication between us since. I'm afraid to, and she hasn't reached out. Not even to yell at me and insist that I come home.
Lady's Mom is beginning to get a bit surprised/fed up with my being there so much. Lady hasn't told her what's going on, because sometimes they're not the most understanding people. I can't blame her for that- I very *rarely* tell my parents what's going on. Even that I'm hungry.
I'm facing having to go home in about an hour, and my chest is so tight.
I had my first suicidal ideations 10 years ago. They've never gone away. I'm having them now, even though I won't act on them. I'm just wondering how I could do things so I could get the services I need, not hurt my body too much, and not upset the people I love too much.
The part of me that's a peer counselor knows how very, very bad that is, but the part of me that's sad and frightened and angry wonders why I don't just do it- Just enough to show them all the kind of pain I'm living with.
I won't. I'm likely too much of a coward too change the status quo like that. Or too sensible.
I'm stuck- and I can't get out. Hell, I can't even breathe.