Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crushed- If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please

If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please.

I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

Things are bad right now- so bad it's hard to breathe.

I failed school in the winter term. I haven't been kicked out, and I do have a social worker who decides whether or not I get to keep my educational funding, so I might have been able to work something out there.

But my Mom has found out.

I failed school last winter too, and there was screaming and sobbing and accusations, and I thought about just walking off the edge of a cliff somewhere because it seemed like things would never get better.

They did. Slowly, with lots of setbacks along the way.

I really pulled it together in the Fall, passed 5 courses for the first time since 2006, and then crashed again this winter.

I could list the reasons why, and the reasons why I lied, but I could never tell my Mom- We just don't work like that. So all she's had to say is that I'm selfish, only think of my own interests, and that I have to tell my grandmother and my aunt, and my stepfather that I failed. She also told me that she bet I didn't get up in front of all the people at the hotel last week and tell *them* I failed- Well, no, I didn't. Why would I? It wasn't relevant to my presentation topic- I had to be professional, didn't I?

I don't feel like my mail should have been opened (the only way she found out) I don't feel like I should be made to "confess."

Last week was okay, I was house sitting. I went home for one lousy night (Sunday) and caught hell in the morning (Monday.)

I felt like I needed a break, desperately, so I e-mailed my mother and told her I wouldn't be home, I had some thinking to do, but I was safe. I went to Lady's. There's been no communication between us since. I'm afraid to, and she hasn't reached out. Not even to yell at me and insist that I come home.

Lady's Mom is beginning to get a bit surprised/fed up with my being there so much. Lady hasn't told her what's going on, because sometimes they're not the most understanding people. I can't blame her for that- I very *rarely* tell my parents what's going on. Even that I'm hungry.

I'm facing having to go home in about an hour, and my chest is so tight.

I had my first suicidal ideations 10 years ago. They've never gone away. I'm having them now, even though I won't act on them. I'm just wondering how I could do things so I could get the services I need, not hurt my body too much, and not upset the people I love too much.

The part of me that's a peer counselor knows how very, very bad that is, but the part of me that's sad and frightened and angry wonders why I don't just do it- Just enough to show them all the kind of pain I'm living with.

I won't. I'm likely too much of a coward too change the status quo like that. Or too sensible.

I'm stuck- and I can't get out. Hell, I can't even breathe.

6 comments:

motherissues said...

Awww, this sounds awful. I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound patronizing, but please know I have good intentions. Just breathe. I've been where you are, in parts. Probably a lot of people have. And it's survivable.

Do you have a counselor or a social worker beyond the one who decides what's up with your education funding? It seems like you need someone to talk to who knows what your options are now and can help you navigate them.

Is there somewhere not-home that you could stay that doesn't mean imposing on friends and loved ones who are having their own family issues? Are there ways for you to deal with a decreased courseload and still keep your funding? I think you're in class now or just finished your courses, and you don't want this stress to sink what you're currently doing.

My mom, maybe like yours, has decided that because I lied about being depressed when I was young and depressed, therefore I can never be believed again. I always have to remember this is how she protects herself, but it doesn't have to reflect badly on me. I don't have to get tangled up in getting her to trust or believe me, because she won't. So I just go on with my life avoiding the part where I'd get her approval.

I hope you can find the support you need. PLEASE don't feel guilty about using your blog as a place to vent. That's what it's here for!

tubaville said...

I, too, flunked out of one of the colleges I went to. I, too, did it because I was horribly depressed. Now? Now I work in Continuing Education and I have learned that there are TONS of people that this happens to because I help them go back to school every. single. day. My mom didn't get it either until she admitted years later that she was depressed as well. Your mom might be trying to reconcile your failure to overcome and excel as part of her own and isn't able to do that right now. Take care of yourself and try to find some balance before you tackle the world again :) BIG ((((HUGS)))))

Linda B. said...

motherissues and tubaville have given you some good information, advice. I don't think I can do any better. I hate to see you hurting so much.

Miz Kizzle said...

Please don't hurt yourself. Failing school isn't the end of the world and it's not a judgement on your worth as a person. I'm sure your mother failed at something in her life. The fact that she's unable to empathize with you reflects badly on her. You didn't do it deliberately and screaming at you won't help matters any.
I don't know the particulars, but I would guess you failed because you're depressed and you're unable to concentrate. My husband, who's a very smart guy, failed freshman Greek in college because he was depressed about his parents getting divorced. He graduated and got over it and you can, too.
Try staying away from your mother as much as possible and think about what you want to do next.
It doesn't do any good to live your life trying to satisfy other people.

Lisa said...

I'm so sorry Ashley. Totally agree with mother and tuba. Also wanted you to make a list of every single subject/class that you've passed. Hand it to your mom. How many times did Benjamin Franklin fail? How many times did Henry Ford fail? How many companies go bankrupt and rise again? How many times did it take Mozart/Bach/Beethoven to write symphonies?
I'll bet there was a lot of failed attempts in there too. But they didn't give up and you won't either.
It is your mother's stuff. Leave it there.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." Winston Churchill

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas Edison

You're an amazing young woman. I'm glad you're my friend.
Hugs!
Lisa

Lisa said...

It's me again....sorry...
Tap, sweetie, tap....