Tuesday, June 16, 2009


So I tried to spend the week at home, and I just couldn't do it. Trooped back to Lady's bag and baggage- I sleep better here.

Am slowly beginning to sort out the mess and misery of school- I can do this. E-mailed an Aunt who told me I have handled so many things in my life with grace, courage and intelligence that it is understandable that I should stumble now and then.

Got some really good news today- I have been selected for the Summer position I interviewed for. I will be working in a provincial government department through a program that employs students with disabilities.

I miss my usual summer activity of the National Youth Exchange, but it's not going ahead this year. No funding.

I'm reading and smiling along with so many of you. Thank you all for being here for me.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

After the lovely mention...

from the invaluable Ms. Tuba, I thought I should update.

I am hanging in.

Friday was terrible. 4 hour crying jag, depersonalization, Lady getting angry with my Mom and me being out of A*tivan all made for the perfect storm of misery.

Surprisingly, Saturday dawned better. 12 hours of sleep which I desperately needed, safe in Lady's guestroom with her on 300 threadcount sheets. Sometimes all you need is a cuddle.

Spent some time with My and Ma (blog pseudonyms, okay? Okay) My is someone with whom I share a very special bond- He's 34 and doing an amazing job of living with CF, which is not a nice disease. His wife Ma is a young soul and has a great appreciation for all things from the Mickey Mouse Empire. Lady came too, we played some silly games on the Wii and I had a another long sleep on someone's guestbed. Why does everybody have nicer sheets than me?

Am at home now. Trying to store energy for the week ahead.

Thank you for all being here with and for me.



Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crushed- If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please

If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please.

I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

Things are bad right now- so bad it's hard to breathe.

I failed school in the winter term. I haven't been kicked out, and I do have a social worker who decides whether or not I get to keep my educational funding, so I might have been able to work something out there.

But my Mom has found out.

I failed school last winter too, and there was screaming and sobbing and accusations, and I thought about just walking off the edge of a cliff somewhere because it seemed like things would never get better.

They did. Slowly, with lots of setbacks along the way.

I really pulled it together in the Fall, passed 5 courses for the first time since 2006, and then crashed again this winter.

I could list the reasons why, and the reasons why I lied, but I could never tell my Mom- We just don't work like that. So all she's had to say is that I'm selfish, only think of my own interests, and that I have to tell my grandmother and my aunt, and my stepfather that I failed. She also told me that she bet I didn't get up in front of all the people at the hotel last week and tell *them* I failed- Well, no, I didn't. Why would I? It wasn't relevant to my presentation topic- I had to be professional, didn't I?

I don't feel like my mail should have been opened (the only way she found out) I don't feel like I should be made to "confess."

Last week was okay, I was house sitting. I went home for one lousy night (Sunday) and caught hell in the morning (Monday.)

I felt like I needed a break, desperately, so I e-mailed my mother and told her I wouldn't be home, I had some thinking to do, but I was safe. I went to Lady's. There's been no communication between us since. I'm afraid to, and she hasn't reached out. Not even to yell at me and insist that I come home.

Lady's Mom is beginning to get a bit surprised/fed up with my being there so much. Lady hasn't told her what's going on, because sometimes they're not the most understanding people. I can't blame her for that- I very *rarely* tell my parents what's going on. Even that I'm hungry.

I'm facing having to go home in about an hour, and my chest is so tight.

I had my first suicidal ideations 10 years ago. They've never gone away. I'm having them now, even though I won't act on them. I'm just wondering how I could do things so I could get the services I need, not hurt my body too much, and not upset the people I love too much.

The part of me that's a peer counselor knows how very, very bad that is, but the part of me that's sad and frightened and angry wonders why I don't just do it- Just enough to show them all the kind of pain I'm living with.

I won't. I'm likely too much of a coward too change the status quo like that. Or too sensible.

I'm stuck- and I can't get out. Hell, I can't even breathe.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I just had to share

I got my first Standing Ovation today!!!

Had another presentation, similar to the keynote address a few posts back, and all of a sudden folks were on their feet!