Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Looking at the world from the wreckage of what was supposed to be my life.

**Not a shiny happy post. I'm sorry**

Have been struggling with what to say lately. I just don't know. I started this blog absolutely sure I would go into psychology, wanting to read the blogs of parents "in the trenches" and offer what support I could. I still want to do that...the support part. But I couldn't hack it in university, and I moved out of my mother's house, and my mother's marriage disintegrated and things are so much better....except I don't have my education, am struggling to manage with just barely enough money, am drowning drowning drowning and waiting for a break...

Physio twice weekly... so tired...don't want to leave the house anymore than that...

I never knew it was possible to be so happy with some things and so lost with others.

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know if there's anything even worth saying.

3 comments:

Mama Drama Times Two said...

Recuperating from major surgery is exhausting enough - but add in physical therapy and it is no wonder you are feeling tired. Our energy, interests, desires and goals have an ebb and flow much like the tides of the ocean. Sadly we live in a society that is all about a straight trajectory towards goals (like university?)and does not always value the round-about and circular path many of us take on our life's journey to...Who knows where you're focus will lead you next? Keep us posted!

Reighnie said...

Ashley,

One of the things I have struggled with so much can be summed up in a sentence. "Life happens while we are busy making plans."

I fought tooth and nail to put myself through school. It took me 10 years to do it working full time and even going to school full time in the summers. I fell several times trying to pick my family up. Through it all school was the focus of my life and it was something I believed I was supposed to do even though I didn’t enjoy it at all. I lost relationships and friends along the way but I had such a good plan and I was determined.

I graduated and then BAM! Not even a year later the kids were in my home, my little business I had started (and was thriving) had to be shut down and my life was not my own again.

I always thought I'd go on to grad school but all that appears to be over. I don't know where the hell I am headed or if I am even headed anywhere.

I've been sucked into this hole that has it's grip on me and the whole thing is documented on my blog. *cringe*

BUT, now that I'm starting to let go of the ideas I had about who I was and where I was going I'm starting to see that it's not as bad as I thought it was, my life isn't as over as I saw it. I still slide back into that thinking when it gets overwhelming but I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I've had to learn to be ok with that for now as I navigate through all of this.

But the bottom line is, I'm not done. I don't know what the hell I am supposed to be doing..yet...but I'm not done. Apparently, I haven't even started...and neither have you. But it will be ok even if it doesn’t turn out the way we thought it would.

All those people out there who have found their “calling”...they didn’t just fall into it. I’ve been asking the questions and I’m finding those people were unhappy and that unhappiness caused them to stumble through a path they never thought they would travel and they’ve come out of the other end better for it.

You’ll find your other end and so will I. :-)

*hugs*

Sunday Koffron said...

Ashley, I just saw your comment over on LT’s blog I Was a Foster Kid, and I wanted to stop over and say Hi. I hope you are feeling a little better now. I am a new follower and I hope to read more of your story soon.