Looking at the world from the wreckage of what was supposed to be my life.

**Not a shiny happy post. I'm sorry**

Have been struggling with what to say lately. I just don't know. I started this blog absolutely sure I would go into psychology, wanting to read the blogs of parents "in the trenches" and offer what support I could. I still want to do that...the support part. But I couldn't hack it in university, and I moved out of my mother's house, and my mother's marriage disintegrated and things are so much better....except I don't have my education, am struggling to manage with just barely enough money, am drowning drowning drowning and waiting for a break...

Physio twice weekly... so tired...don't want to leave the house anymore than that...

I never knew it was possible to be so happy with some things and so lost with others.

I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know if there's anything even worth saying.

So...very tired... but hot pink

Healing is hard work. Usually I catch a nap in the middle of the day and head to bed early. But I had an appointment with Dr. Rock yesterday.  Everything looks good- My foot is, in his words, straight as an arrow.  I'm going to be in cast for quite a while, though, so once the stitches and staples were out I decided to pick a colour. I think you'll agree it's very Rolladyke

Bath Lift: Success!

So in this post, I said that the OT was providing me with many yummy things.

In the past week, two of these have come in. One is my walker, which looks an awful lot like this.

Walking is painful and energy consuming for me, so I don't choose to do it often. However, I sometimes get the urge. I put on more weight than I was comfortable with when I broke my foot in December, and this metal monster is helping me get active and hopefully get some of it back off. I still have to be really careful and not push myself, because foot is heading for surgery soon and still has some pretty major wonky structure, but it's something!

However, today the thing that I was perhaps the most excited about showed up: My bath lift.

Seriously, where have these things been all my life? They even sell them on Amazon! See?

Minivator Bath Bliss 311 Lift

However, mine is not sold on Amazon, and is called the Aquatec Orca. Had my first bath in it tonight and it was *bliss*- Sheer bliss.

Now, to get some new wheels under my butt, once the walker has made it a bit smaller, and I'll be set for more awesomeness.

I'm having a hard time being nice to myself right now

Long talk with my (favourite) professor yesterday, and we decided that a "strategic withdrawl" from this semester, and from academia in general, is a good thing right now. I just can't do it. I'm smart (I swear) but my brain is covered in some kind of clingfilm. I just... I can't absorb academics right now.

I bombed at Public Speaking class- and that's, essentially, what I *do* for a living, and what I *want* to do for a living, so there went *that* class before I turned myself altogether, and then this month-long stint of hiding in the house, hiding from everything, and I just can't come back from that right now- I could promise to, but I wouldn't be able to follow through.

So now I'm sitting back and looking at my options- I've applied for some jobs, I'm using my networks. I might even be able to work in disability advocacy, which is where my heart is right now. I won't lose the apartment, that's secure, and I just... I need some time to find myself. I haven't told my Mom, or anyone, yet really, except Lady.

That's so hard. I wish I could explain to you how smart I used to be. When I was little, school was a *breeze*- I was literally smarter, by 4 or 5 grade levels than everyone else . Whatever was going on at home, abuse, the fighting, the locked doors and the days when Mom would come in and take me in her arms, holding me tighter than I needed to hold her, ever, and tell me that *everyone* was having a day off from school today and we'd curl up in the big bed because my bio dad had hurt her worse that day than she could hide with make up and a smile. All of that didn't matter- once I was in my desk, I was in *the zone* and I was top of the class, every year, for 13 years.

First two years of university were easy too, but I was *so* young. I was 18 years old with no real idea of who I was in the world, or what I wanted to be.

And now, now I'm just going through the motions and the anxiety is crushing and those last 10 courses seem like a long, tortuous road that I'm never going to find the end of, and right now I just can't.

But everyone else expects me to be *so* smart.

And it's just not enough anymore.

Triple A- Awards, Afebrile, and Adoption

First of all, can anyone tell me how you get your awards on your sidebar? I finally have time to pick mine up, but I want them to look *reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy* nice, like the ones you have.

Second of all, the H1N1 bug seems to be heading off quite nicely- All that's left is a tickling cough and general malaise, so I'll take that over fevers and body aches severe enough to make me cry, a cough that bounced me so much I usually got *air* between myself and the mattress and congestion.

I'm feeling down, but that's no surprise with the parents' divorce clicking merrily away and all the excitement of moving dying down. Don't get me wrong- Living here is really nice. I have the chance to set accessibility up the way I want it, Lady and I cook the foods we want, that kind of thing. But it's something I was looking forward to for quite some time, it didn't go at all the way I expected, and now it's done. So am feeling a bit let down.

Which brings me to the third A in my title- Adoption. No, not of a kiddo, though I'd love to do that someday. Right now we're waiting on approval to adopt a little black kitten from the local Humane Society. If we can't, I'm sure he'll go to a great home, but I'm hoping to get him into *my* home and change his name from "Pop" to "MacBeth"- Mackers for short.

Good kitty vibes are appreciated.

A Little More Difficult

I'm tired today, and a bit discouraged. My writing (independent, not academic) always suffers when my depression acts up... I hope I can get out of this place before finals. Will need to do some work this evening on grounding and finding balance.

My grandmother is out of hospital and baby Lily is home as well. Her Aunt had a nasty car accident on Saturday night- It was the fault of the cabdriver. Strange. I always thought you were safe in a cab. So for awhile, we had 4 family members at the local hospital- Everyone is out now, thankfully.

I'm wishing for things I shouldn't today. Feels a bit like if my pain flared up (I have a bulging disc, along with my CP, that causes intermittent but serious pain) I would at least have an excuse to feel like this. Am having some difficulties around food that Lady (my partner- From the Animaniacs bit "Okay Lady I love you bye-bye") wants me to connect with a therapist about.

Enough about me-

Sending Light Love and Energy to all my awesome followers

Ashley

PS: Daily Funny

Baby Lily is beautiful, but it is only now that her Mom is confessing that she had some nightmares pre-delivery. Julie's husband John (alias again of course) had an abnormally large head. It didn't end up coming to anything, but John was going to doctors for 2 years after he was born to check on this. Julie had a dread of a baby with a huge head- Turns out Julie's mother Margaret (alias, alias who's got the alias) was also having this dream- Luckily, baby Lily has a beautiful head!