I didn't realise it had been so long....

I've started a summer job, Lady secured her first office job. My education funding is secure, and I'll be seeking counselling in the fall as well as tutoring. I do so dearly want to graduate.

I'm having a really bad pain flare which has lasted since Monday, June 22, and there's no end in sight. Lots of medicine. Just like work is lots of filing.

But things are brighter

Okay...

So I tried to spend the week at home, and I just couldn't do it. Trooped back to Lady's bag and baggage- I sleep better here.

Am slowly beginning to sort out the mess and misery of school- I can do this. E-mailed an Aunt who told me I have handled so many things in my life with grace, courage and intelligence that it is understandable that I should stumble now and then.

Got some really good news today- I have been selected for the Summer position I interviewed for. I will be working in a provincial government department through a program that employs students with disabilities.

I miss my usual summer activity of the National Youth Exchange, but it's not going ahead this year. No funding.

I'm reading and smiling along with so many of you. Thank you all for being here for me.

After the lovely mention...

from the invaluable Ms. Tuba, I thought I should update.

I am hanging in.

Friday was terrible. 4 hour crying jag, depersonalization, Lady getting angry with my Mom and me being out of A*tivan all made for the perfect storm of misery.

Surprisingly, Saturday dawned better. 12 hours of sleep which I desperately needed, safe in Lady's guestroom with her on 300 threadcount sheets. Sometimes all you need is a cuddle.

Spent some time with My and Ma (blog pseudonyms, okay? Okay) My is someone with whom I share a very special bond- He's 34 and doing an amazing job of living with CF, which is not a nice disease. His wife Ma is a young soul and has a great appreciation for all things from the Mickey Mouse Empire. Lady came too, we played some silly games on the Wii and I had a another long sleep on someone's guestbed. Why does everybody have nicer sheets than me?

Am at home now. Trying to store energy for the week ahead.

Thank you for all being here with and for me.

Cheers

Ashley

Crushed- If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please

If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please.

I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

Things are bad right now- so bad it's hard to breathe.

I failed school in the winter term. I haven't been kicked out, and I do have a social worker who decides whether or not I get to keep my educational funding, so I might have been able to work something out there.

But my Mom has found out.

I failed school last winter too, and there was screaming and sobbing and accusations, and I thought about just walking off the edge of a cliff somewhere because it seemed like things would never get better.

They did. Slowly, with lots of setbacks along the way.

I really pulled it together in the Fall, passed 5 courses for the first time since 2006, and then crashed again this winter.

I could list the reasons why, and the reasons why I lied, but I could never tell my Mom- We just don't work like that. So all she's had to say is that I'm selfish, only think of my own interests, and that I have to tell my grandmother and my aunt, and my stepfather that I failed. She also told me that she bet I didn't get up in front of all the people at the hotel last week and tell *them* I failed- Well, no, I didn't. Why would I? It wasn't relevant to my presentation topic- I had to be professional, didn't I?

I don't feel like my mail should have been opened (the only way she found out) I don't feel like I should be made to "confess."

Last week was okay, I was house sitting. I went home for one lousy night (Sunday) and caught hell in the morning (Monday.)

I felt like I needed a break, desperately, so I e-mailed my mother and told her I wouldn't be home, I had some thinking to do, but I was safe. I went to Lady's. There's been no communication between us since. I'm afraid to, and she hasn't reached out. Not even to yell at me and insist that I come home.

Lady's Mom is beginning to get a bit surprised/fed up with my being there so much. Lady hasn't told her what's going on, because sometimes they're not the most understanding people. I can't blame her for that- I very *rarely* tell my parents what's going on. Even that I'm hungry.

I'm facing having to go home in about an hour, and my chest is so tight.

I had my first suicidal ideations 10 years ago. They've never gone away. I'm having them now, even though I won't act on them. I'm just wondering how I could do things so I could get the services I need, not hurt my body too much, and not upset the people I love too much.

The part of me that's a peer counselor knows how very, very bad that is, but the part of me that's sad and frightened and angry wonders why I don't just do it- Just enough to show them all the kind of pain I'm living with.

I won't. I'm likely too much of a coward too change the status quo like that. Or too sensible.

I'm stuck- and I can't get out. Hell, I can't even breathe.

I just had to share

I got my first Standing Ovation today!!!

Had another presentation, similar to the keynote address a few posts back, and all of a sudden folks were on their feet!

On Normals... Again Or why I'm boycotting The Orphan

Ranting ahead.

I am tired. I am absolutely sick and tired. I am absolutely sick and tired of anyone "different" having to be a villian, a hero, an inspiration, or a "There but for the Grace of G-d go I"

I am a lesbian; I do not wear flannel. I do want children. I do not hate men.

I am a woman; I do not wear high heels, I do not wear makeup.

I have Cerebral Palsy; I am not a hero. I am not a caution against premature birth. I am a person getting through every day. Just like you.

--

What sparked all this? Well, the lovely Chatelaine of Tubaville joined a cause, you see, to boycott a movie. Ms. Tuba isn't hysterical, so I checked it out.

Turns out, Warner Bros' new flick entitled "Orphan" was the one on the boycott block. And I can absolutely see why.

"There's something wrong with Esther" one tagline reads. And who is Esther? For the majority of the movie she's an older adoptee- in some clips she even appears to exhibit Radish behaviours. Raging, triangulation. Lather, rinse repeat, you all know this story better than me.

But instead of an eye opening flick like Martian Child (see this! if you haven't, see this NOW) "Orphan" degenerates into a slasher film. With a 9 year old villian who's spent time in hospital for behaviours

This isn't okay by me.

I posted the link to my f a c e b o o k page, and immediately got responses. But not the responses I'd hoped. I was told "But they changed the tagline."

Yeah. From "I don't think Mommy likes me very much; it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own" to just "I don't think Mommy likes me very much." Grrrrrrrreat change there, Warner. Or "There's something wrong with Esther." Even better- SO politically aware. There's something wrong with kiddos available for adoption now, ESPECIALLY traumatized ones.

I was also told "People don't go to horror films for info." No, maybe not, but NO ONE is going to convince me, ever, that people don't get info from the media. Absorbing it without even realising it, sometimes.

And my personal favourite?

"Oh, doesn't matter- She isn't even a kid in the end, she's some kinda demon thing."

Demon?

DEMON?

This makes it *okay?!*

--

Not by me. And it's getting less and less okay as time goes on.

Back at School

Hey all

I'm back doing the Intercession at uni. Elementary German and 20th C. Popular Music.

I'm pleased with both- My German professor was a kindergarten teacher and so doesn't expect perfection, and my Music prof? What can I say. He's a grad student who wears great hats to class and comes up with brilliant accomodations for me- on his *own*- without seeming the least bit awkward or nervous.

Example- We have a playlist of 60+ songs that we need to listen to for the course. Everything from Mamie Smith to Bob Dylan to Frank Sinatra. Of course, going to the library and downloading all of these from a data CD would be possible, but the Music library isn't the most accessible. So, while I was puzzling out how I would manage it, Grad Prof suddenly grins, points to the bag on the back of my chair.

"Is that a laptop?"

"Yes, it is."

"Bring it next class and I'll bring you a jump drive, you can just pull the songs off that and give it back to me."

I show up for class today, and lo and behold, he's *remembered* the jump drive!!

I have high hopes for the next 6 weeks.

Light, love, and energy to you all.

Ashley

PS: Daily Funny

While waiting to go to class today, I saw two professors heading down the hall, conversing.

Prof 1 I'll just use the proleteriat bathroom

Prof 2 Are you sure? I really can let you in...

Prof 1 No no, I should suffer for my forgetfullness