Crushed- If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please

If you're having a bad day, skip this post. Please.

I don't want to be responsible for hurting anyone else.

Things are bad right now- so bad it's hard to breathe.

I failed school in the winter term. I haven't been kicked out, and I do have a social worker who decides whether or not I get to keep my educational funding, so I might have been able to work something out there.

But my Mom has found out.

I failed school last winter too, and there was screaming and sobbing and accusations, and I thought about just walking off the edge of a cliff somewhere because it seemed like things would never get better.

They did. Slowly, with lots of setbacks along the way.

I really pulled it together in the Fall, passed 5 courses for the first time since 2006, and then crashed again this winter.

I could list the reasons why, and the reasons why I lied, but I could never tell my Mom- We just don't work like that. So all she's had to say is that I'm selfish, only think of my own interests, and that I have to tell my grandmother and my aunt, and my stepfather that I failed. She also told me that she bet I didn't get up in front of all the people at the hotel last week and tell *them* I failed- Well, no, I didn't. Why would I? It wasn't relevant to my presentation topic- I had to be professional, didn't I?

I don't feel like my mail should have been opened (the only way she found out) I don't feel like I should be made to "confess."

Last week was okay, I was house sitting. I went home for one lousy night (Sunday) and caught hell in the morning (Monday.)

I felt like I needed a break, desperately, so I e-mailed my mother and told her I wouldn't be home, I had some thinking to do, but I was safe. I went to Lady's. There's been no communication between us since. I'm afraid to, and she hasn't reached out. Not even to yell at me and insist that I come home.

Lady's Mom is beginning to get a bit surprised/fed up with my being there so much. Lady hasn't told her what's going on, because sometimes they're not the most understanding people. I can't blame her for that- I very *rarely* tell my parents what's going on. Even that I'm hungry.

I'm facing having to go home in about an hour, and my chest is so tight.

I had my first suicidal ideations 10 years ago. They've never gone away. I'm having them now, even though I won't act on them. I'm just wondering how I could do things so I could get the services I need, not hurt my body too much, and not upset the people I love too much.

The part of me that's a peer counselor knows how very, very bad that is, but the part of me that's sad and frightened and angry wonders why I don't just do it- Just enough to show them all the kind of pain I'm living with.

I won't. I'm likely too much of a coward too change the status quo like that. Or too sensible.

I'm stuck- and I can't get out. Hell, I can't even breathe.

I just had to share

I got my first Standing Ovation today!!!

Had another presentation, similar to the keynote address a few posts back, and all of a sudden folks were on their feet!

On Normals... Again Or why I'm boycotting The Orphan

Ranting ahead.

I am tired. I am absolutely sick and tired. I am absolutely sick and tired of anyone "different" having to be a villian, a hero, an inspiration, or a "There but for the Grace of G-d go I"

I am a lesbian; I do not wear flannel. I do want children. I do not hate men.

I am a woman; I do not wear high heels, I do not wear makeup.

I have Cerebral Palsy; I am not a hero. I am not a caution against premature birth. I am a person getting through every day. Just like you.

--

What sparked all this? Well, the lovely Chatelaine of Tubaville joined a cause, you see, to boycott a movie. Ms. Tuba isn't hysterical, so I checked it out.

Turns out, Warner Bros' new flick entitled "Orphan" was the one on the boycott block. And I can absolutely see why.

"There's something wrong with Esther" one tagline reads. And who is Esther? For the majority of the movie she's an older adoptee- in some clips she even appears to exhibit Radish behaviours. Raging, triangulation. Lather, rinse repeat, you all know this story better than me.

But instead of an eye opening flick like Martian Child (see this! if you haven't, see this NOW) "Orphan" degenerates into a slasher film. With a 9 year old villian who's spent time in hospital for behaviours

This isn't okay by me.

I posted the link to my f a c e b o o k page, and immediately got responses. But not the responses I'd hoped. I was told "But they changed the tagline."

Yeah. From "I don't think Mommy likes me very much; it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own" to just "I don't think Mommy likes me very much." Grrrrrrrreat change there, Warner. Or "There's something wrong with Esther." Even better- SO politically aware. There's something wrong with kiddos available for adoption now, ESPECIALLY traumatized ones.

I was also told "People don't go to horror films for info." No, maybe not, but NO ONE is going to convince me, ever, that people don't get info from the media. Absorbing it without even realising it, sometimes.

And my personal favourite?

"Oh, doesn't matter- She isn't even a kid in the end, she's some kinda demon thing."

Demon?

DEMON?

This makes it *okay?!*

--

Not by me. And it's getting less and less okay as time goes on.

Back at School

Hey all

I'm back doing the Intercession at uni. Elementary German and 20th C. Popular Music.

I'm pleased with both- My German professor was a kindergarten teacher and so doesn't expect perfection, and my Music prof? What can I say. He's a grad student who wears great hats to class and comes up with brilliant accomodations for me- on his *own*- without seeming the least bit awkward or nervous.

Example- We have a playlist of 60+ songs that we need to listen to for the course. Everything from Mamie Smith to Bob Dylan to Frank Sinatra. Of course, going to the library and downloading all of these from a data CD would be possible, but the Music library isn't the most accessible. So, while I was puzzling out how I would manage it, Grad Prof suddenly grins, points to the bag on the back of my chair.

"Is that a laptop?"

"Yes, it is."

"Bring it next class and I'll bring you a jump drive, you can just pull the songs off that and give it back to me."

I show up for class today, and lo and behold, he's *remembered* the jump drive!!

I have high hopes for the next 6 weeks.

Light, love, and energy to you all.

Ashley

PS: Daily Funny

While waiting to go to class today, I saw two professors heading down the hall, conversing.

Prof 1 I'll just use the proleteriat bathroom

Prof 2 Are you sure? I really can let you in...

Prof 1 No no, I should suffer for my forgetfullness

Not Okay, Not Okay, NOT OKAY

Not me- I'm coping.

I'm also furious.

I have, until recently, *really* enjoyed Dan Savage's column, podcast, and books. I've *bought* Dan's books, for heaven's sake.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=1487886

And now this.

Can't handle it. I've listened to the podcasts in which he uses words like that, and I've always let it go as heat of the moment, doesn't know any better.

But another reader did what I didn't- Stepped forward, tried to educate, and was instead, mocked.

I can't support that anymore. I can't excuse that anymore. Maybe I should never have done.

I'm sorry I ever recommended him to anyone, I'm sorry I ever read his books, bought his books, listened to his podcast.

This is his fanpage on Facebook where I intend to voice my displeasure and then leave.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/DanSavage?ref=ts

This is NOT okay. Not by me.

*taptaptap*

Even though I feel so afraid and stupid right now, I'm still a really great gal...

Even though I feel so afraid and stupid right now, there will be brighter days ahead

Even though school isn't going so well right now, I have lots of other things to contribute to the world...


Oooooooh boy, I try not to post on Blogger unless I have something positive to say or funny to share. I don't. I'm done in...

Good choices?

Have been compliant on my new meds for over 2 weeks now- This is absolutely new for me... and as I do not like change, I'm having a little bit of difficulty with it. Weekends are probably most difficult, and I sulk once the purple thing is in my system... but at least it gets there.

Am getting ready for exams and break and gainful employment and for the parents (please God) to find a good deal on a Southern vacation and GO there...!

Anyway, just a brief update

Light, love and energy

Ashley